As I write this, I’m in lockdown in London. It’s the second week of the COVID-19 lockdown and, under the circumstances, it’s going well. I’ve learned a long time ago how to self-regulate in times of trauma and chaos and, more importantly, I’ve stopped courting drama, especially in my relationships, both romantic and platonic. That was until a few days ago when I received a very unexpected FB message from an ‘old flame’ who I haven’t communicated with for almost 10 years.
This was part of the message I got from him on the day he was released from hospital having survived COVID-19…”I was laying dying and lots of things went through my mind – it’s a strange thing, stuff seems to so unimportant and other things bring regret and sadness.” After a bit of communication he explained that he was sad and regretful about how our relationship ended (he was hideous to me) and there was an ‘olive branch’ embedded in his message.
So at this point, you may be thinking isn’t that great that he got in touch and apologized. It’s never too late to apologize, is it? Well, not in this case. You see, he’s a narcissist and that is a completely different situation.
I had been through years of love bombing, gas lighting, triangulation, lies, deceit, grandiosity, addiction and hoovering. You may not have heard of the last one but hoovering is one of the classic ones and they wouldn’t be a real narcissist without it. It means that they always come back for more because they have no empathy, so in their mind, they did nothing wrong. Besides, you are forever on their supply wheel so they feel entitled to come back. Why wouldn’t you want to be with them again.
This time was different. In those 10 years I had learned a lot about narcissists and, although he had ‘hoovered’ me back several times before, it wasn’t going to happen this time, deathbed or no deathbed I was onto him and the flattery wouldn’t work. I sent him a kind response thanking him for his apology and wishing him continued good health and that was it. It felt good. I had learned a very hard lesson and was now protecting myself. One thing I can be sure of, he’ll be back. It may be another 10 years but that’s how it works. Once you’re on their supply wheel, they never let you go.
So my advice to any of you reading this and recognizing some of the narcissistic traits in your partner, run, do not walk away from the relationship. It will never change, it will never get better. They can’t help it. Through my work I have come to understand that they have suffered from some form of childhood trauma and it has rewired their brain. So now I have compassion and understanding but stay well away from them and I pray that you do too!
